I suppose you would say I wait for this to happen, lie in the weeds and try to imagine how it used to be. But now, when I have no reason to feel the dark hatred, it happens all over again, and consistently, so often, so long that it feels as though I have to hide to escape it. This shouldnt be me, shouldnt be who I am, but it takes me over at times.  
I should be happy, I am happy at times. I have a very wonderful boyfriend, I have amazing friends, but I can't spill my darkest truths to them. Like, I'm not able to feel truly comfortable when people touch me. I've always been a person who's touchy and likes to feel like she's loved by being held, but now it's like I feel closed in, denying the one comfort I used to have.
I can't stand life in general at times, Im begining to lose sight of what I have. You see, I'm supposed to be the happy one, the one that sees the life force and fights to bring it to herself with the gift of fire. By that I mean, Im supposed to take on life and fight to make it. I was always like that before, but now it's over and done and I can't move past it, but I can, and I will, breakaway when the timing is right. I want to be with M, forever if forever is what he wants. I want to take away whatever pain he might feel, but at the same time I wonder if I lend to the strength of the pain. There are times when I crave his touch, like somehow it's going to set me free from the chains. And at times, it does.
But for now, I'll stay in my solitude and drink the poison like wine and wait for my darkness to claim me.